Fifteen

From thoughtcatalog.com (http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/crushes-are-fun/)

Crushes Are Fun

Crushes are fun. The experience of being attracted to someone and then finding ways to get to know them is a small but gratifying sentiment. It’s like childhood – it’s innocent, it’s silly but in a good way, and maybe it’s a reminder that you’ll never lose your youthful enthusiasm. And whether the crush is someone you never knew or someone with whom you’re familiar, all of a sudden this person takes on a whole new meaning.

You begin to notice the way they do everything. You memorize their features, you remember every conversation, every gaze, and every time your eyes meet. And now you’re smiling when you think of them. When they’re around, you feel butterflies, and somehow you manage to keep your eyes on them without ever quite being able to look at them straight in the eye. And you wonder how they could not possibly get it – you so obviously have a crush.

You begin to imagine what it’d be like if they were more than your crush. You start thinking of a million ways you could reveal how much you’re growing to like them. And you begin to realize that this crush of yours is becoming more than what it was intended. You’re developing feelings, feelings that were not intended, and feelings that shouldn’t be real because it was only supposed to be a crush.

Now you’re serious and you’re getting emotionally invested. You tell everyone otherwise and that it’s just a minor attraction but deep down inside, you know that’s a lie. You know that what was supposed to be childlike affection has become a fixation and it feels like you’re making a fool out of yourself to get their attention. And when you don’t get it, you wonder if it’s something about you – something about you and your flaws.

So you begin to feel fifteen again and you’re wondering why this crush is starting to hurt as much as they did back then. You’re older, you’re wiser, you’ve got more experience now and you know that feelings aren’t always reciprocated; you know this better than anyone. So, there’s no reason to get upset but you can’t help it. It feels like once again, your crush has left you feeling crushed.

Crushes are fun. Or at least they’re supposed to be fun as long as you keep them that way. As long as you don’t get emotionally invested or fixated or keep imagining your reality to be what it is not – crushes are fun. But if you expect too much or feel too easily, you might end up with self-inflicted heart ache which just leaves you feeling empty-handed or just plain empty. And all of this for someone who never even promised you anything from the start.

Being fifteen, probably, was the best year of my life. I was free and I was carefree and those are the rarest moments that I am willing to  give everything just to experience everything again. I had the time, I was brave, I take risks and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Everything was pure happenstance (and this, by the way, is my most favorite word). But four years later, with everything that has happened, Taylor Swift was always right, “I didn’t know it at fifteen”.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s